Hi, Mr. Competitor. If I didn’t know you were reading this, I wouldn’t put it on my website. But since you are, I want to tell you something. You have outdone yourself once again. For the last few years, you have mimicked just about everything I have done. Well, you continue to outdo yourself in your latest attempts to be just like me, The King of Kings. I can tell that it eats you up inside that you aren’t even close to having the best tobacco store in DeKalb County. It eats away at your very core that no matter what you do, you are still, playing catch-up to the store that’s been there since 2002, The Best In The Smoker’s World Discount Tobacco and Entertainment.
I heard some ramblings through the grapevine last month that you were transitioning. It turns out, that was true. Now, when I heard “transition”, I thought that meant you were becoming a woman (nothing wrong with that of course; it was just the first thing that came to mind). Hey, whatever makes you the person you are, go for it. That’s what makes this world great. But yes, you were transitioning your store into something awesome. Like a “Superstore” of sorts. I knew you’ve always felt like you were a superstar. Now, it’s time to find out, right?
So, you’ve moved your location. Cool. And from what my customers tell me, your setup looks EXACTLY like mine. The roll your own tobacco is in the same spot on a wall. The showcases are all aligned nearly exact to what we have ours. When my employee told me what a customer said, we both just looked at each other like “Is Doofus really doing this?” Then, we heard the new name of your store from a sales guy. We laughed for a bit. Afterwards for about ten seconds, we put our heads down in shame but then continued to be the #1 tobacco store in DeKalb County (contrary to what you claim to be). Fact: Changing the name of your store doesn’t negate the fact that the business will be the exact same.
So go ahead, continue to copy everything I do. I have learned over the 30 years I’ve been living that nothing is better than the original. I learned in business growing up that if someone is copying you, that means you are doing something great. It shows the person copying you is a loser because as I’ve said before: Nobody copies a loser. And by the way, if you are cheaper than anywhere else, why do you continue to shout at your customers, “WE MATCH ALL PRICES…WE MATCH ALL PRICES” as they walk out the door?
Before I get to the rest of what I want to say, I cannot continue without saying thank you to you, Mr. Competitor. I want to say thank you for continuing to send business my way by insulting your customers and ripping them off. It’s almost as if you take those customers, put them in your big boy truck and give them a ride to my parking lot. And you do it constantly. How can I not be grateful? You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. If you went out of business, myself, along with my employees and customers wouldn’t have anybody to make fun of. You make it so easy. Oh, and speaking of going out of business: You told a whole bunch of people that I was going to be out of business within a few months. That was almost three years ago. Yeah, 14 years running and all of a sudden, I shut my doors. Makes sense.
But, you still have some work to do. I have a list of things you need to do to continue being like me. Along with copying all of my ideas for my store, I have more that will absolutely make you even more super than you are now. Are you ready? Here is the list:
Wear the same shoes as me – Drive the same car I do – Eat the same food as I would – Buy the same World Championship Belt as mine with customization – Am I forgetting anything? Oh, how about on your new website, start your own Network (that I’ve had for two years before any other store even thought about it) and have commercials for it? I would love it for you to copy that idea too. I am sure it will be called, “The SuperDuperStore Discount Tobacco and Entertainment Channel”. Come on, we’re waiting. If I think of more ideas, I’ll add them at a later time.
In closing, Mr. Competitor, do yourself a favor and don’t come back to my store to voice how butt hurt you are like you did last year when I called you out for being a thief and a liar. Remember that time last year when I bought some pipes and advertised for them and then about three days later, you were advertising the same exact ones? Then, after I called you out on it, you came rushing into my store that same day to tell me that it was “just a coincidence”? Oh, Mr. Competitor, you silly goose! We showed the video with audio from my security system DVR to some customers. We laughed at your expense.
Your “galaxy” still isn’t as big as my World. Accept that and move on with your phony professional life. Everybody sees through your garbage. And if I am not the Best at what I do, why is there a picture of me below with the Best at what he did? We are The Best In The Smoker’s World. The Best There is. The Best There Was. The Best There Ever Will Be. And yes, I do have his blessing to say that. That’s the difference between you and I. I give credit where credit is due.
Signed,
The King of Kings.
Best In The Smoker's World LLC. 
This is gold.