What I’m Thankful For: Mr. Competitor Down The Street and his new “business partner”

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. And with all that has transpired over the last 18 months, we have to find something that makes us thankful and happy.

As the owner of this store, I am thankful for my local competition. In particular, it is The Village Idiot Down The Street and his new “business partner.” Most of you know who I’m talking about because  you use to shop there. This guy is just an absolute treat. He is the gift that keeps on giving. Many years ago at the old store, he came in for the first time all butt hurt because my prices were much lower than his. As some of you may have seen, I posted the video on the website back then. It was an Oscar-worthy performance by him.

Long story short, he vowed to compete against me despite us being in two different businesses. He was trying to get into the tobacco business while I was reigning supreme in the entertainment business. I reminded him that if he makes it personal, I will happily open up a store down the street from him. Now, I certainly wasn’t planning on doing that. Obviously, a dastardly father put me in the position to do so. I opened up this current store right down the street from him, as I promised. All of this worked out well at the end of the day.

What followed in the years after was him copying product ideas and plagiarizing posts from this website to the point where a lawsuit was nearly filed. He was literally copying and pasting posts from this site and putting it on his pages. So, here I am spending quite a few bucks for a “cease and desist” and a great message to him on this website after. Fine with me.

Fast-forward to March of 2020 and Mr. Competitor has been on a one-person crusade to chase all of his customers out of his store by spewing bullshit conspiracy theories to them and putting up personal rhetoric in his store for everyone to see. You cannot make this up. It’s almost as if he made countless trips of loading up customers in his car and dropping them off in my parking lot. Thank you, kindly.

Then, the Summer of 2021 arrives. Many customers continue to flood from his store to ours due to the awful prices and products he has. Attached to those are the reports that Mr. Competitor had found a tag team partner to rebuild his super duper pooper store. Whoa! Now, I think to myself, “what does this new guy have to provide?” And as it turned out over time, he’s just as idiotic, if not more idiotic than Mr. Competitor. This store goes from one doofus who runs his mouth, has idiotic beliefs, high prices and crappy products to the business partner who runs his mouth, has idiotic beliefs, high prices and crappy products.

It’s almost the same guy. How could I not be thankful for this? They make it so easy for me. It’s amazing. And his website pages? Memes. Memes. Memes. How creative. This website? Creativity for the most part. And the other times when I do use someone else’s idea? Oh, what a surprise. I actually give credit. Look at the video library for credits. Maybe these guys should take the hint.

How could this be? How could Mr. Competitor be doing so poorly, that he had to sell half or all of his store just to save his butthole? Wasn’t he telling everyone all these years that he was the best ever? Actually, he was. He was making fake Google accounts and putting positive reviews for his store. Mixed in there are actual reviews from real people with real experiences. You can tell which ones are real and which ones aren’t for yourselves. It’s quite astonishing.

Now, Mr. Competitor is on his way out. Whether he returns to a land where people like him reside is yet to be determined. But what I do know now is that I did exactly what I was going to do years ago and that was to defend the title of best store in DeKalb County. For nearly 20 years, this store has been a fighting champion and not once, was that title at risk of losing.

So this Thanksgiving, I give thanks to you, Mr. Competitor. Thank you for your stupidity all these years. Thank you for chasing all of your customers out so they end up at my store. Thank you for giving me the luxury to appear on National Television in the front row several times a year in various cities to have a great time and promote my business. Thank you for giving my employees job security. Just, thank you. And to your new “business partner,” I don’t know your name. But welcome to my world. Thank you as well for being just like your predecessor by being rude to customers and thus, sending them my way. I love you just as much as Doofus. Enjoy that store.


The Face That Owns The Place

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